michelles blog

I've decided.

2006-05-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

Im going to be a funeral director. And I couldn't be more excited. I was considering signing up to work at Pine Lake this year but it turns out I'm probably going to be in Ontario for the summer!! woooo hoooo. I haven't seen my family there since 1998. So it's been awhile. Anyways I'm going to apply to the Western School of Funeral Service. Now I know that kind of sounds really weird.. but I really think I could sincerely help people out with planning the funerals of their loved ones.
WOOOOO goooo meeee
hahaha love you all
God bless.
Michelle

emotionally frusturated

2006-01-04T17:43:00.000-08:00

Bahh,
Things absolutely suck right now. I'm on Christmas Holidays from school and its supposed to be the best time.
Lately, its been the worst. I was living with this woman Sheri and she told me that she couldn't afford to have me there anymore so I had to leave. So I packed some stuff to go to my moms for the NIGHT. So while Im packing she asks me for the key as if I'm going to come and do something to her house. So now she doesn't trust me. So I go to my moms house and I've been here ever since. It took me almost 2 weeks to get my clothes from Sheri. She was avoiding my calls and everytime she said she would be home so I could get my stuff she never was. I was so angry. So she calls and my 8 year old sister picks up and she says "Tell Michelle to come get her f*****g stuff" and hangs up the phone!!!. Well I don't know what I did wrong but she shouldn't have talked to my sister like that. So I still havent gotten all of my stuff back and my friends shirt is still at Sheris. Well theres not much I can do now until I can get a hold of her to get the rest of my stuff back. But this friend keeps bugging me about the shirt and im telling her that im trying really hard to get her shirt back but it might be awhile. She now avoids me at school and doesnt speak a word to me. To top it all off I have a really contagous eye infection.. i cant go anywhere because i might give it to someone. THIS ALL SUCKS. Nothing is seeming to go right. Im seriously going to pray tonight because I need all the help I can get. Hopefully the angels are watching over.
= (

So late yet so many thoughts...

2005-11-19T22:18:00.000-08:00

Howdy.
So I'm on the phone with Kayla and were having such in depth conversations.Thats what I love about talking to her. When I have problems and stuff she is always there, I can fall back onto her, shes my rock. Like for instance Im having some issues right now with a perverted friend and a very needy best friend. Not that her being needy bugs me or anything. Just she always dumps guys for unreal reasons. Such as he calls me too much.. isnt there a solution to that. Like ask him to call you less just because you get busy or something? I just want the best for her and if she wants to be single then who am I to say something. I just have alot on my mind. And its so hard to keep up its like 11:45 and I can't sleep. I love being there to help but its like my brain is on overload. Its a good thing kayla is here so I can dump out all my problems lol thx kay<33. I don't know school is going good, my marks are high and Im actually going. Which is a change from last year thats for sure. Im proud of myself and the things I have overcome and learned in the end.Its helped me so that now when people need me for help I can give them personal advice. Its amazing when you get compliments saying your an angel or the best. Thats the best feeling in the world knowing youve helped someone. I just pray that I can get the strength I need from God to overcome anything that is about to face me ahead. I know he will give it to me and be there with me when I endure whatever comes. Hes done amazing things in my life. Hes number one.
God bless,
Michelle.

What to do when the one you love hurts you the most

2005-11-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

Hey,
I don't know where to begin or anything. My best friend sean who I think I mentioned before.. wanted to sleep with me on Friday. So me being the smart girl I am .. shut him down. I told him it wasnt right and it didnt feel like the right time. I told him I dont wanna get hurt again and if I did decide to do it with him hed prolly ignore me afterwords, as so I've experianced. So not sleeping with him.. now he ignores me and doesnt call me anymore. He used to call me every night. And hed tell me Im amazing and Im gorgeous. I knew it was too good to be true. I love him to death and I want to see him succeed. But like I wrote in my journal "I think secretly we both knew I wasn't the one he wanted". Which sucks.. because Ive wanted to be with him for so long. I know we are just teenagers.. but I definately want to be friends with him forever, Ill always be here for him. Though at times I get jealous when he mentions new girls.. but I want to be there for him no matter what the situation. I just wish he would be the same way with me. But hey things can always go the way we want them to.
<3 Michelle

just breathe

2005-10-30T19:18:00.000-08:00

Lately, Ive been trying to figure out how life works.
People come and go all the time right, so why does it have to hurt so damn much.
For me its like when something happens with someone I really like, I wanna be with that person
right away. No questions, no thoughts, just wanting to be loved. My dads like that as well. Hes never really
been there since I was a little girl. We used to run around our farm and take care of the animals. We were inseperable and I was truly daddys little girl. Which is why Im going to get a tattoo that says *bella*. Which is my dads nickname for me ever since I could remember. I think my dad being gone for so long has had such an impact that I look for love too fast and in all the wrong places. I just dont want to be abandoned again. I really miss my dad you know. I think thats why Ive gone through so many relationships. I need my dad more than anything. But every time I see him and hes drunk... he gets so emotional. He tells me he loves me and that hes sorry. I dont have the heart to tell him that what hes doing is wrong. Because I feel so bad that I just wanna hug him and tell him Ill always love him. Everytime he leaves I wonder if its gonna be the last time I see him. Whether Im gonna have to plan his funeral early. My dad is an alcoholic and a drug addict. And it got to the point where he said that he would chose drugs over me anyday. Which killed me. Slowly I was losing all faith and hope in him. I knew he couldnt change no matter how hard he wanted to. Life and decisions have made him that way. As much as I want the best for him I know hes just about out of time. Being homeless and drugged up cant keep you living for long. Not in this life. So I keep telling myself... Just breathe

So I'm thinking...

2005-10-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

Howdy.
So right now.. at this very moment, my oldest sister Renee is missing. She left last night.. to go apparently drop off her ex's suitcase to him. Her ex is known for beating her repeatedly.. and just... being a jerk, I guess you could say. He's very violent. Anyways my sister left at 11 last night to walk across the street to give him the suitcase. And she hasn't been back since. I'm starting to worry, but I'm also hoping for the best. I guess I will know if she doesn't show up for work today. Im scared... the gut feeling has finally kicked in.
Michelle.

Totally crappy day.

2005-10-05T19:53:00.000-07:00

Howdy!
So heres the 411 for today. I went to school, had a good day I suppose. Art was a total blast, we drew bananas and other fruit. But being teenagers, we kind of went childish. Bananas were EVERYWHERE!. We got in mega trouble lol. Then I was supposed to come home right away to go to the dentist. So when I did go, the woman there said I needed a guardian to fill out paperwork. I sort of grunted and thought I JUST WANT MY TEETH CLEANED!. sheesh. hahaha. So I get home and start talking to my mother on msn. She totally started bashing the woman who is taking care of me. Because she is overweight my mom was calling her fat and all these other horrible names. I told her I didn't want to hear it, even though she is entitled to her own opinion. She wouldn't quit!. It's like she wants to get me mad sometimes. I know your probably like shes your mother she loves you. But love can only mean so many things. And she hasn't yet shown me what love is. Anyways after that fight this ignorant guy Will sent me a message on my Nexopia page. He's one of those guys that loves to get under your skin and call you every name in the book. He made fun of me, and just overall made my day horrible. I try not to let it bother me. But then I think of the fun we had.. and how much it meant to me. How can someone that seemed so amazing turn out to be the biggest jerk?. I don't even think he realized how much he hurt me. He told me " don't hate the player, hate the game ". And thats when I said enough!!. I said " Will your not a player your just a loser, theres a difference ". While I don't enjoy putting people down I had enough of what he was saying to me. I always wanted the best for him you know? But now.. it's hard to not wish something bad to happen to him. I feel like I went about that the wrong way. I just wasn't sure what else I could say to get him to leave me alone. Should I even really care about this? Or is it just another obstacle to overcome.. and when I do.. have the gratification for it. All I wanted was the best for him...

Should I speak a word.. or remain in silence?

2005-10-02T08:43:00.000-07:00

hey..
So I'm utterly confused. My older sister and this lady Sheri and myself are all living together. Today Sheri told me she is going to kick my older sister out.. and that I'm not allowed to say anything. I wish I didn't have to hear that cause everytime I look at my sister my heart breaks. I wonder where she is going to go.. she doesn't have many resources.. I just wish I could forwarn her you know?. Better yet I wish I didn't even know about this. It feels like such a weight has been put on my shoulders.. and I could just cry. What am I going to do?

Favourite Quote Ever!

2005-09-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

Become an organ donor.. give your heart to Jesus <33

Back on track.. is there such a thing?

2005-09-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

Howdy!
I'm just wondering.. is there ever such a thing as fully getting back on track in life? Lately I have been trying to just change my life around, and make school pretty much my #1 priority. As much as I have been trying, things keep coming up that divert my attention from being good.. to making somewhat of a mochary of myself. Skipping school, smoking, etc. It's very hard to ignore ESPECIALLY in high school, as I'm sure you all could agree. I've made the mistakes of going through those things, and I suddenly realized I didn't recognize who I was anymore. I was lying, stealing, and just overall making the wrong choices. It wasn't until later on when I realized that I could do so much better for myself. Which is why I started getting my life back on track. But it seems like whenever I want to make things better.. there is always something that will catch my attention and get me into the wrong situations. As much as we want to get "back on track" as they say.. I don't think there is ever a perfect track any of us will ever follow. All we can do is try and hope for the best... right?
Michelle

Borrrring.

2005-09-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

So Im at school.. and its super boring haha.
Just thought I would share my bordem with you all.
Michelle <3

What am I going to do?

2005-09-20T17:23:00.000-07:00

hey.
I just got into a big arguement with my friend Sean. I guess I over reacted on something and now it just all blew up. I hate fighting with him, hes so amazing. I just got jealous pretty much, and now it has officially screwed me over. He doesn't get that I really love him, I always have. And to hear that hes hitting it off with one of my enemies.. sucks. I know were supposed to pray for our enemies and try to make the best of things, but im not sure its possible. It hurts so bad when myself and Sean fight. He means the world to me and I don't know where I would be without him. I wish things didn't have to be so complicated sometimes. But I hope this will benefit me in the future. I just hope he realizes how I feel and how much I really do love the guy. Thats it for today.

Time for a change.

2005-09-19T17:41:00.000-07:00

Well here it is,
As of 2 weeks ago, I was asked to leave my house. Myself and my mom got into an arguement that almost really broke my heart. The things we said, the way everything went, it was all just a big mess. Sometimes I sit and wonder " was this meant to happen to me ". Then I thought, God wouldn't have me face all the obstacles in my life for nothing. Sometimes it can be so hard to keep the faith you know? To know that God is there with us whenever we need him, but yet sometimes we can feel so alone. But then, I think back to my home away from home, Pine Lake Camp. They taught us so many valuable things to take with us into our lives, and most people made such a miraculous change. I remember the first year I came back after a 4 year absense from PLC they put together kind of like... a regiving yourself to God kind of thing. There was a big wooden cross on the stage and the band was singing quiet yet peaceful songs. I wondered what this whole thing was about. People with tears streaming from their faces, and everyone together, praying and embracing God and his amazing love. It took me till this year to figure it all out. As this was the year I truly gave myself to God. I cried, and was soon comforted with prayer by counselors. Then I sat with my friend Anthony, and we just talked.. and cried. It was so powerful I couldn't believe it. So now, everytime I am down, I think of that moment that we all shared that day. And how it greatly impacted my life. I am thankful and further more grateful for that day, for I wouldnt be able to face the challenges I am facing today.